yipee yay yay

Out from nowhere, i seem to be reborn again!

Is this permanent or merely a transitional phase i have to go through and get myself all hyped up for nothing? But i guess R is right..i can't stay behind my wall constantly, fearing this and that. I make myself miserable. It's time for some hammering and tearing down. I just need a bigger weapon. Where is the support?

PUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Somehow or rather, i tend to smile like a goon uncontrollably when my thoughts sway like a baby's swinging bundle-like pram hung on the ceiling. The mentality of a baby is fascinating and attractive! The baby knows what he wants and goes for it, be it screaming his lungs out or making a big fuss out of everything for no apparent reason, or even through the soft approach of looking fondly with his big round eyes. How lovely. What is crucial is that he gets his aim. ANDDDDDDDD that is what i should adopt. A baby! Ha...no...the baby's technique of harmless manipulation with determination.

I am working on it. Lalula...

dance dance revolution!

Headed down to the Anti-drug dance competition yesterday to excitably watch my girl dance to groovy beats! The whole event was unexpectably eye-mesmerizing, causing me to drool with envy and follow my gaze to every hip-thrusting and leg-stamping the dancers moved along to. One word..COOLamamalicious!

My girl is someone i can't let go of, no matter what disaster decides to fall upon me. She never fails to bring a smile to my face, especially since i tend to come across as stand-offish (as my beloved big guy has claimed), thus the sight of her lightens up all signs of those grumpy lines across my forehead.

Love you!

My social circle has been highly neglected and left to collect dust. Guilty as i may, i don't know if layang-ing is the right way to approach this issue. Will i follow up? Or leaving them to build their own coffins again? This one week may be a great way to re-build relationships, but this has to be done selectively as well, else one week will never be sufficient for entertaining those i won't be bothered to maintain the constant smiling and coming up with topics. Sounds tedious doesn't it? Ha. It didn't seem so last time. I guess age has really caught up with me, and the challenge of my work has left me breathless. The lack of energy to socialise isn't something which i dread though. In fact, i do welcome it to a certain degree, as it leaves me with much more ME-time!

I do need some ompf in my life. Something that brings me to life after work, instead of dragging my monotonous feet back home to the black box and sleeping device. SOMEONE GIVE ME ICECREAM!

life a jest

Everything seems to be revolving hurricane-like in front of me. Does it swirl my thoughts further?
Aimless, Worthless, Loveless, Careless, Assless..ha

Attachment issues..i can't let go. Simple as that. Time will tell..but do i need more than five years?

once again..

Once again, the glass shatters. The bits and shreds fly in all directions, slicing whatever tries to resist. Nothing lives. What's left is a collection of familiar memories and dried up tear stains, that have proved useless in posing as a form of guard through countless experiences. What can i say? Pure stupidity? The dejection accumulated through undesired events jumping straight at me one after another, without the decency to take queue numbers, have slashed at me and left me breathless. All i want to do is to burrow a hole and hibernate till the hurricane takes the remnants away. I need my heart to start beating again, having the blood pumped back into each pathetic vein. Without cooperation, i am simply a hard shell with nothing in there worth peeking at.

2007 i hate you.

a heap of something valuable to me..a mess

Messy is what you will use to describe a certain arena of my life, where it's worse than zooming aroung on a roller coaster ride, as what my life constitutes of is beyond the proper track the train runs on. In simple terms, many times, i will fly out of the train and land in a place i don't want to be, yet left with no choice.

The problem most of the time, is having too many choices on hand, and forced to make a decision when i don't think i am ready for setting a confirmed choice. WHY FORCE ME? alright..maybe i wasn't directly forced in any way, but mentally stressed up, i know that ultimately a decision has to be made because of all these factors surrounding me.

Hmmm somehow i am confused by myself. I guess the first two paragraphs didn't make any sense, but i shall just leave them there for the sake of it, and definitely because i am too lazy to hit "delete". Basically i have to make a choice, yet wait for e choice. WAIT WAIT WAIT. Where is my right? Am i just being led on to nothing AGAIN? i don't seem to learn my lessons, as i fall right back in without serious considerations. i know what i want this time (DO I REALLY? i don't know but let's just think that i do for now), yet i can't have it YET. i am made to roll out a ball of string and slowly string it back into a triangle, and MAYBE at the end of all those effort, i MAY get e prize. It's all a matter of probability which i am unable to calculate. I can't even make an intelligent guess, as it's simply too random. However i am wondering whether all those positive signs directly hinted and clarified, can be trusted. My desire to reach it is persuading me with loads of chocolates and ice cream, thus probably a biased choice..but do i really care that it is biased? is love supposed to be fair anyway?

it's all coming back to me again

no it's not a good thing. i wished it was my old favorite brown slippers i left in london that came back looking for me. or the snow i missed during winter returning to my sight. NO! the familiar whiffs of the musky stench dissipated into the air when i fall are starting to surround me like toilet paper used to wrap around mummies so tightly. i can actually feel the pangs of heartache even before it hits me, sooner or later.

pessimism is innate in me, i have proven. i can never seem to have more faith in my life, not even after constant reassurances from third parties who have heard me grumble and whine. what am i supposed to do? i m once again, lost in a fearsome land of mysteries. i don't want surprises anymore. i would choose stability over anything else. can't things simply remain the same where we would just hold hands like innocent lovebirds who seem immersed in everything about each other? no headaches, toothaches, tummyaches.

i have been so bored that i can actually count the number of dust specks on the wall maybe. ha! especially in such a void, literally and metaphorically, all i do is THINK and fantasize about the wrong things! sink in further into the grounds of cynicism and wallow in self-pity. i don't need that, yet i willingly let myself be pulled in. i need to do something about my life! gosh.

someone out there please save me?

here or there?

WHERE AM I????

The past or the present? What am i confusing myself with? Why the need to do that?

I don't understand. It seems fairly simple but simultaneously full of complications which fill my mind with nothing but heartache and miseries.

WHY can't i seem to stop harping on nolstagic thoughts of him whom i have willingly let go at that time? Something which i was so pleased to do as well. I have definitely had my fair share of regrets, or more, but i sure am happy now. In love i would call it. It doesn't make sense that i yearn for what i had, especially since nothing can be altered in the way that i want, as i have gave that chance up, and missed it for good. Jealousy is what surrounds my puny mind now. He was the best! Currently the best too? Not sure about that though. But due to the time period spent in each other's embrace, much longer than the present love, those memories can't be replaced and cleaned with a simple act of wiping with the table cloth. This dirty spot seems to inch further into the wood as time passes, seemingly glaring with those skeptical eyes that say "I told you so", mocking my everyday life, a life without him.

I AM happy but not happy. I need to scream! Or can someone give me a time machine? Ha...naive me speaking but the department of regrets ain't an area where i am good at.