it's all coming back to me again

no it's not a good thing. i wished it was my old favorite brown slippers i left in london that came back looking for me. or the snow i missed during winter returning to my sight. NO! the familiar whiffs of the musky stench dissipated into the air when i fall are starting to surround me like toilet paper used to wrap around mummies so tightly. i can actually feel the pangs of heartache even before it hits me, sooner or later.

pessimism is innate in me, i have proven. i can never seem to have more faith in my life, not even after constant reassurances from third parties who have heard me grumble and whine. what am i supposed to do? i m once again, lost in a fearsome land of mysteries. i don't want surprises anymore. i would choose stability over anything else. can't things simply remain the same where we would just hold hands like innocent lovebirds who seem immersed in everything about each other? no headaches, toothaches, tummyaches.

i have been so bored that i can actually count the number of dust specks on the wall maybe. ha! especially in such a void, literally and metaphorically, all i do is THINK and fantasize about the wrong things! sink in further into the grounds of cynicism and wallow in self-pity. i don't need that, yet i willingly let myself be pulled in. i need to do something about my life! gosh.

someone out there please save me?

here or there?

WHERE AM I????

The past or the present? What am i confusing myself with? Why the need to do that?

I don't understand. It seems fairly simple but simultaneously full of complications which fill my mind with nothing but heartache and miseries.

WHY can't i seem to stop harping on nolstagic thoughts of him whom i have willingly let go at that time? Something which i was so pleased to do as well. I have definitely had my fair share of regrets, or more, but i sure am happy now. In love i would call it. It doesn't make sense that i yearn for what i had, especially since nothing can be altered in the way that i want, as i have gave that chance up, and missed it for good. Jealousy is what surrounds my puny mind now. He was the best! Currently the best too? Not sure about that though. But due to the time period spent in each other's embrace, much longer than the present love, those memories can't be replaced and cleaned with a simple act of wiping with the table cloth. This dirty spot seems to inch further into the wood as time passes, seemingly glaring with those skeptical eyes that say "I told you so", mocking my everyday life, a life without him.

I AM happy but not happy. I need to scream! Or can someone give me a time machine? Ha...naive me speaking but the department of regrets ain't an area where i am good at.